In an Ashley moment

When I couldn't figure out the thing that has been bugging lil' Ash, I finally did.

Before we decided that it was time to be parents, we or rather, I, was mentally jotting down things I would want for my child(ren). The few things I felt were important : they need to eat right, have sufficient sleep, be happy, healthy and contented. See, I am not fussy. And I pride myself into thinking that I managed to at least accomplish them with Ashley, so far. She is what I've wanted her to be, a happy healthy child.

Ash goes through the same routine everyday. And I thought a routine is just what a child needs at this age and for a couple more years till they turn 18..LOL...She gets up around 6.30am – 7.00am, have her milk, play/tv, bath and then her brunch. She will have her nap in the late mornings just before lunch and spends the rest of the afternoon playing. I get her ready for dinner around 6 plus in the evenings and then, a sponge bath shortly after and ready for bed.

I never have to do anything fancy to get her ready for bed at night. All I had to do was leave her in the cot, draw the curtains, dim the lights and switch the air-conditioner on. She will protest at times but never for long. She will fall asleep by herself, probably from tiredness. We tried being in the room with her but felt that our presence only distracted her and made her not want to go to bed despite her needing to go to bed. So, we decided to leave her in the room by herself but remained close by.

All of a sudden, one fine day, she just changed. She didn't like her bed. Whenever I put her down, she would cry and shake her head, refusing to let go of me. I for once, am dumb-struck. I didn't know what went on with her. And yes, I do realise now that this is only the beginning of many more milestone surprises. But still, it's nerve-wrecking.

Then it hit me (like a ton of bricks). Although, she is still going to bed later than usual but I thought, I will try something different. Instead of leaving her to sleep by herself in the cot, I put her on our bed. She would drink her milk while I lay beside her. Her crying stopped and eventually falls asleep with us.

I did it again today and as I lay there with her, I realised what I have neglected to feel. I pushed away feelings that I am meant to feel. I have been so obsessed to wanting time for myself, time to have an un-interrupted thought that I had forgotten how special it is to be a mom. I was there in bed, as usual, my mind was thinking about the load in the washer and the dirty plates in the kitchen sink, Ash was rolling around in bed, looking for a comfortable spot to err...get comfortable. As she was doing this, she rolled over to me, planting her head on my chest at times. Getting up, falling back down. She snuggled up close and put her little arm across my chest.

I could feel calmness. She wasn't angry, frustrated or scared. She was happy. I guess, all she ever wanted was to feel safe and secure and the only person who could give her that is me. And I didn't know, I really really didn't know. At that moment, when she was next to me, I remembered, the only other time I ever felt those feelings was when I first held her in my arms at the hospital. It's the feeling of what being a mom is all about and I almost let that slip away.